| Now I know |
[22 Feb 2006|09:16pm] |
Somedays I wonder why I don't have many friends or why I haven't made a lot of friends here at school. Then I go to Livejournal for the first time in months and realize that the friends I have are in need of me and I don't even know it. Here I sit, complaining that I have made no new friends but I can't even help the ones I have because I don't pay enough attention to know they need it.
My life is so boring and uneventful and yet I still get all caught up in it and totally forget about my friends. Next time i bitch about not having friends someone tell me to shut up and go OUT and make some! I go to class, talk to people there or on the bus, or even walking around campus but never have I tried to make any of those into real friendships. I sit in my room and pout, but if someone asks me to do something I say no, or I'm busy.
Well no more. I will say yes and I will reschedule whatever I was going to do. Friends are important. I need to make some.
And the friends I have should be able to talk to me whenever they need to.
Things will start to change now.
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[03 Sep 2005|10:48pm] |
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mood |
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 pissed off |
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music |
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Just Like You by Three Days Grace |
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Things to know: (these all apply to me of my frinds also)
•im sick of fake friends
•also sick of hypocritic friends
•if you're my friend don't lie to me, don't pretend nothing is wrong when something is and don't-DON'T-pretend to care if you don't.
•the important things are the ones to talk to me about, not trivial issues
•when i ask a question, answer it to your best knowledge truthfully
•when i am having a crisis, be there for me.
NOW. How many people can say they are my friends...cause i don't see many lately.
Fuck my life. Everything always goes wrong right when i think its starting to go according to plan.
Why do people never talk about the important things? The questions that need to be answered? They have been asked, but are you too afraid to answer?
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| me all over again |
[31 Aug 2005|12:36am] |
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mood |
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Lately i make even myself mad sometimes. I get these sudden sullen moments when i realize that i am alone and how lonely i am. I think to myself that i have never been in a relationship-ever. I wonder why. Am i ugly, or boring, or just unpleasent? Am i too fat or too loud or just too plain.
I see girls all the time who aren't as pretty as me who have boyfriends. People with less personality also have boyfriends. So what is wrong with me? Is there something about me that just sends them running? What do i do that drives them all away?
I know that im only 17 and a lot of 17 year old girls don't have boyfriends. It just seems that everywhere i look, there are more couples and it is driving me insane.
What is it about me? Please someone tell me because i have to know. I hate feeling like this.
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| fsu |
[28 Aug 2005|09:53pm] |
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mood |
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 calm |
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Things i hate about FSU
•I miss my friends
•Walking across campus in the rain
•stupid floor meetings
•take out and delivery
•spending my money
•community bathrooms
•toilets that make me want to barf when i look at them
•having to meet people in very large groups
•Getting up in the morning
Things i love about FSU
•My roomate (even though she annoys me sometimes :) )
•Laura K *muah*
•As much take out and delivery as i want
•Not living with my parents
•Matt K (if i ever see him)
•my bed-so so very comfy
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| My crisis |
[27 Aug 2005|12:53am] |
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[WARNING] I am writing this purely to get it out. Not to offend anyone or try and subtly tell anyone anything. Everything written here about anyone, they should know. Don't take offence! And if you do talk offence-talk to me about it-don't hate me for it.
I'm having a friend crisis. I know it soulds stupid, but i don't know who my friends are!
For the last 6 years i have gone through friend after friend. My friendships have been cursed here in Florida. My first best friend went to a different high school and then screwed her bf with me in the room-that was the end of tha t. All my other friends from middle school (with the exception of 2-who were never really good friends of mine) the friendships ended in or just out of middle school. Then there was jenny and bri. Bri and i never talk now, just because she is so busy with her friends and blah blah blah. But i don't put foward effort either. And jenny and i...well...i don't know. I always knew it would happen.
Then i had jon and megan...but sometimes i wonder if i should try so hard. I love them both, but between the 2 of them...i don't know what to do sometimes.
I hate it that people preach, no grudges, and no changing in college and then go and do it.
So...that leaves me with laura. we are fine. i have nothing against her.
But that means i have 3 friends. One of which i have no beef with. One that i just don't understand. And another that i love and would do anything for but i wish things would have been a little different with.
Everyone else is just a person that i know of a friend that i don't talk to all that much.
Bottom line. I hate being alone and i hate being lonely. And i almost always feel that way. I hate feeling sorry for myself. damn...its a never ending cycle.
I wish i weren't single. I'm tired of it. I don't want it anymore!!
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| Fucking florida hurricanes |
[25 Aug 2005|01:18pm] |
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mood |
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Fucking hurricane! It picks my first day of class to decide that it wants to come and visit me in Tallahassee. I thought that i would be safe (this year at least) from hurricanes. But no. On monday, my first day of class, it is going to rain at least 6-12 inches. But they are prepairing for more!
Why couldn't Katrina visit on a tuesday or thursday? I don't have classes then.
Hurricanes suck ass.
Does anyone else hate florida and want to move? I sure as hell do!
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| Here at FSU |
[23 Aug 2005|11:45am] |
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calm |
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FSU-Here i am
Current mood: calm
Well, i have officially been here at FSU for 3 days now. I really haven't gone out much, but it is just too hot to go out and do anything if you don't have to. I'm thinking that tomorrow i will go walk around and get to know where all my classes and stuff are. Then i will time myself and see if i can make it from one to the other in the time that i've got.
The dorm is pretty much set up and the frige is stocked with drinks and apple sauce (yum!). Beds are made and curtains are hung (kinda). The microwave works and of course im on the computer all the time. I feel like a college student, but it still hasn't hit me. I'm still kinda ehh about the whole thing. I know im here, but the full extent of living at college hasn't hit me yet.
Classes start on monday and i still don't even know where they are on campus.
Im lonely here. But not any more then i was at home because here i have laura at least. I also have matt and laura k...even though i haven't seen them yet. I just run out of things to do so quick.
Well, things to do, showers to take.
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[16 Aug 2005|12:34pm] |
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mood |
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Somedays i wonder if my brain will ever shut off. Like, the only think i want is for it to stop thinking and let me get on with my life without it taking over everything and overthinking it all. I know that i'll be fine and that im not ruining my life, but my brain has to go and overthing everything and i get all frustrated and confused.
Last night i layed in bed for hours trying to sleep. All i could think about was that i was leaving on Saturday and i don't have the right major! That my major is going to ruin my life and i am going to be a lonely and boring person forever because my major is psychology! It's crazy! I keep telling myself that i am intrested in it and i will do well, but it doesn't change the fact tahat it's not what i really want to do. What i want to do? Sing. Plain and simple. But i can't tell my parents that, they would freak. Spend 9k a year to sing...right.
And believe me, i know that it won't ruin my life now because im not even in college yet. I have plenty of time to change my major. But my brain still refuses to cooperate with me on this one.
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[09 Jun 2005|10:12am] |
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sad |
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My grandpa died...he's dead.
I don't want to cry...
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[27 Feb 2005|04:10pm] |
I had one the the best days EVER yesterday!
Megan, Jen, Danny and I went to Universal for Jen's birthday. We had a blast. I didn't expect it to be as cool as it was out so i did get a little cold later on in the day, but it was all totally worth it. We got soaked on the water rides and then froze our asses off, but had so much fun anyway.
For dinner we all met up with John at the Hard Rock cafe and had dinner. That was the most fun i have had going out to eat with anyone ever. We spent 2 hours in there and most of the time we were not eating anything. There was as Ace Ventura impersonator there and i wanted him to come home with us. He was SO funny! We told him it was Jen's birthday and she got a picture with him and he pretended to lick her hand. I need a copy of the picture! That wasn't even the beginning of the Hard Rock experience! They played YMCA and all the waiters and seaters and people who worked there got up on tables and counters and danced and sang to it. I was so ready to get up and dance with them, it looked like so much fun! Now i want to work there and i can't because im not 18 yet and i won't be until i move to Tallahassee!! :(
Later on Ace came out again and was hitting on a maniquin...im telling you he was awesome! Got pictures of that one too.
And there is still more from Hard Rock! We all got Jen up on a counter with a sunday that had a candle in it and everyone said happy birthday to her! I wish i was gonna be here for my birthday because it would be so much fun to go back there. I'm hoping that i won't have classes for those few days so maybe i can drive down and celebrate with friends here. I know that we are gonna go and do something awesome for Megan's birthday too. Aren't we megan? (that is if you don't plan on going somewhere else for your birthday!)
After dinner we went to Studios (i didn't get to visit games to see any friends but i will next weekend). We were running a little late because we had too much fun at dinner and we missed the parade becasue Megan and Jen had never been on the Mummy so i made them go. It wasn't a huge loss though because Danny and Robot boy went and bought us beads! SIDE NOTE: I GOT MY BOA!!
We decided to go and see a movie after the Mummy because there was really nothing to do in the park anymore. So we walked over to City Walk and Megan, Jen and I layed down in the middle of the circle there to wait for out tickets. It turns out that cleavage works just as well as flashing people becasue some cute guys passed us as we were laying there and i said hi. They turned around and said hi back and threw some beads at us! Go me! I got us beads. I never knew that cleavage would work. Now i know how to work it next weekend. :D
When we got up we noticed Megan ahd lost her phone so she called her mom and told her, then we went in to see the movie because there was nothing we could do and lost an found was closed. We saw Constantine...very good movie! I don't even like Keanu Reeves (horrible actor), but he is hot and the movie was much better then i would have ever thought...and not scary at all really.
Jen got a call in the middle of the movie for Megan that they found her phone (YAY), so Megan and Mr. Robot went to get it, but not before megan tripped and cracked Jen, Danny and I up along with the bitch who was sitting in front of us! We laughed about that for the rest of the night and a little this morning.
We all left and met back up with John and him, Jen, Megan and I went to get milkshakes at Denny's because we couldn't find a steak n shake. Jen and i were hysterical becasue we were so tired! We had fun fun fun. Scared people away from our booth, etc. Had a nice talk in the truck on the way home and shared with eachother. We didn't get to Megan's until almost 2 AM.
I must admit that Danny scared me at first but he is really cool, we had fun together later on in the day and during the movie.
Yesterday had to be one of the best days i've had since i moved here, if not the best! I really love you Jen and Megan!! (and John, i love you too!)
On to today and home. ONE: I walk in the house and lights are on. There is no one home and there has been no one home for hours so my parents left them on. I get in trouble for having my light in the room on when im not in there, even if im going right back. TWO: My futon chair is moved into the living room and all my crap is just thrown on the bed. THREE: My sister is a stupid bitch. She attempted to clean the bathroom. EVERYTHING is gone in there! She took my face wash and stuff and put them on my entertainment center! They go in the god damn fucking bathroom! I don't move her things and even if i did i would know that face wash STAYS IN the BATHROOM!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh She makes me SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO mad. This is why i can't leave becasue every time i do she changes all my shit around! Im sorry but i don't like her. If she weren't my sister she is the type of person that i would HATE! I am sick of her stupid shit and i really want to yell and scream at her.
Now i have to go and do scholarships and my research paper!
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[23 Feb 2005|08:04pm] |
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depressed |
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I am having such a shitty day. Every time i get my hopes up, thinking that things are getting just a little better at home everything falls apart. I'm so good at being the cheerful one, the fun loving, goofy, easy going me. But there is only so much that i can take. There are some people that i wish i could be with forever, people that make me feel better about myself, that don't seem to care that i am so incredibly fucked up. To them, im just me.
I will never have that with my family because they don't want to know me. They have this image of me that i can never live up to and they like me that much less just becasue i can't be who they want me to be. And i shouldn't have to be who they want me to be becasue i don't want to be the person. My whole family thinks that they know me so well, i bet they couldn't even tell anyone what my favorite color is or the names of 5 of my friends. For the longest time all i wanted was to be noticed by them, but now i don't care. I'd rather be left alone. I was doing just fine by myself before they started butting in on my life.
I always thought that if someone loved you nothing else mattered. I grew up idolizing my parents like every other kid but by the age of 10 i had had it. I was ready to be my own person and they couldn't handle it. Then they took to ignoring me becasue they got too busy with work and moving and their own lives. They forgot i was growing up and haveing a hard time. I was ignored for 5 years! I know to some people its not that bad. If they went their whole life without attention form their parents, but i didn't. I don't love them as people only as my parents and even then i don't a lot of the time. It's so hard to love them. I feel so abused and i can't take it anymore. I don't want them to notice me or even love me anymore. I just want them to realize that i am my own person and they have to live with that and let me live how i will.
There is only so much that i can take before i break down. My limit had been reached.
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[20 Feb 2005|11:38pm] |
I had a great time tonight with John, Rob, and Megan.
Went to dinner at Moe's which was yummy. Even though i didn't eat a lot, it really was good. Then we all went to Winter Park Village and saw Hitch (REALLY really good movie...i am in LOVE with will smith). After the movie we hung out outside for awhile but it got cold so we went to stake and shake for milkshakes.
Wait...that doesn't sound right. It was cold and we got milkshakes...oh well thats what we did, so THERE!
Overall it was much fun. There was the stupid people with the phone who kept playing with it, but other then that...it was good.
Tomorrow i have to get up in the morning to finish my laundry before going shopping with Megan and Jen. I hate getting up early.
Goodnight
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[13 Feb 2005|09:13pm] |
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mood |
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recumbent |
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I hate it when people lie to me. If its over then fucking tell me its over. Don't go on denying it and trying to pretend that nothing has changed. If it wasn't over before then it DEFINATLY is over now. Im just so out of the loop. I knew it would happen-it always does.
So, goodbye. I don't mind because i am so very close to the beginning of a new chapter in my life. In 6 months i will leave all this bullshit behind for good. Hopefully i have finally learned my lesson this time.
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[06 Feb 2005|10:04pm] |
People suck. I can't wait to leave Orlando.
6 months 15 days till i leave
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[06 Feb 2005|09:58pm] |
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What does a pair of ripped jeans have to do with college?
I don't know, ask my dad because according to him it has everything to do with college.
For no reason at all we got into a fight today about one pain of ripped jeans i have that i ware becasue i like them and they are comfortable. He says that if he were paying for all my college tuition he would make sure that i didn't wear them (i'd like to see him try). But it makes me so fucking mad because they have NOTHING to do with eachother!! He just doesn't like them and he admitted that the professors don't give a shit, so his point is what? He went on about how he didn't see anyone there when we were with ripped jeans (i did!) and i pointed out that he might have seen a few hundred of the population of 26k+ students at the school.
What an ass....
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| I can't believe it!! |
[04 Feb 2005|09:37pm] |
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excited |
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i was so happy to read this!
[Cook] added that the second installment will be called Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest. He said the plot goes as follows: “This time around, Johnny returns as Captain Jack Sparrow and is caught in yet another tangled web of supernatural intrigue. It turns out, Captain Jack owes a blood debt to the legendary Davey Jones, ruler of the ocean depths and captain of the ghostly Flying Dutchman. If Jack can’t figure a crafty way out of this one, he’ll be cursed to an afterlife of eternal servitude and damnation. And as if that weren’t enough, Captain Jack’s problems throw a huge wrench into the wedding plans of the blissful Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann, who quickly find themselves thrust into Jack’s misadventures.”
YAY!! I can't wait. But it will be summer 2006 and 2007 for PotC 2&3, so it will be a long wait.
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[03 Feb 2005|10:54pm] |
(Check out my icon! I made it and i absolutly LOVE it)
I'm ready. Ready to get up, pack my things and leave. In 6 months and 19 (almost 18) days i will be AT Florida State. Dorms open the 20th and classes begin the 29th. Thats earlier then i thought, quite a bit earlier actually. But who cares, i will be gone from here.
I burnt my fucking hand while getting the pizza out of the oven today. I will blame it on the old, dirty, fucked up oven we have here at the apartment, saying that there just wasn't enough room and i didn't realize how close my hand was. Even though it was most likely my own fault. You know, i think being burned to death is a horrible way to die. This is the first really bad burn ive ever had and damn does it hurt like a mother! I can't even imagine the pain that would go with being burnt to death. Those poor people...
I have drifted off topic so i will now digress.
I will forever be amazed at the ammount of work that my school completes in a week. Obviously that would not be much. I have NO worksheets or handouts of any sort that i missed in the 6 days i was out. In chorus...i missed a song that they sung ONCE and when they split up into groups...ooooh, big deal. If nothing else, english should at least have done something, but no. All i have to do is make up a vocab. test for english. Amazing!
Anatomy is the same as all the work in all of my classes put together and doubled. I missed 3 quizzes (then could do another yesterday beecause i didn't know about it)-4 quizzes, 3 or 4 flash card sections and a color sheet (i know 17 year olds shouldn't need to color for a grade. But it is an easy grade! :D )
Other than Anatomy all i missed was a Psychology test (i made up today), and a Sociology test (i made up today), and the Vocab. (make up on friday).
Tomorrow i get to back to the doctor, yet again so they can read my skin test. Whatever that means. They will pick up my arm, look at it and be done probably. I wish i could see Dorie, i might just ask to see her because i still feel like shit. I am STILL sick and it makes no sense at all!!
My housing application has been sent in tonight and will be followed by my money within the next 10 days. My order of housing is Jennie Murphee, Reynolds, Broward, Salley. Hopefully i get one of the first two, but it all depends on Laura. Since i paid my admissions deposit when i went for the weekend i am offically a student there now (how awesome) and i am so excited.
My life has been boring but busy the last few weeks and im sure the next few will be similir. I have a research paper to write in the next month, a photo shoot to do this weekend, a test and 4 quizes to make up this week, and so many other things to do.
To be totally honest i am happy that i have so much going on because it keeps me busy and when im busy time goes by faster and THAT is exactly what i want right now.
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[30 Jan 2005|06:35pm] |
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cheerful |
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Happy, oh so very happy. I had a GREAT day on friday at FSU. It was cold, but because it was cold i got clothes! woo hoo for me.
All i can say is that the school is beautiful and i can't WAIT to go in August!
( Onto the Pictures )
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[27 Jan 2005|07:20am] |
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mood |
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crappy |
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yet again, another day that im not in school. This will make the whole week(except for 2 class periods on tuesday)! Im going to have 3 quizzes and 3 tests to make up-if i can even make them all up. This totally blows! I'm going to blame it on the medication, but its probably my fault i feel like im going to throw up...although i don't know how that would be my fault.
My glands are still really swollen, but at least i can't feel it anymore and i can swallow without wincing. That is a good thing. I have been really good about taking all my meds too! Even the nasty horse sized pill.
FSU tomorrow...i hope i feel better then because there is no getting out of going. I'll go even if i have to take a bucket with me to throw up in!
Sounds like a plan to me!
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[24 Jan 2005|06:07pm] |
Still sick...have gotten worse.
went to doctor and she doesn't know. gave me pills that are too big. horse pills man! my throat is currently about 1/3 the size it usua;;y is. the pill is bigger then my throat now.
go me!
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